Responding to Disrespect

     They are things every parent will face with their children: Rebellion, back-talk, anger, lying. But what is a parent to do when these difficulties arise with their child? You certainly want to help them, but with so much bad behavior, how can you stay calm?

     Luckily, many studies have been done on this subject and there is help for the parent at the end of their rope. Dr. William J. Doherty (2013) wrote an article titled Take Back Your Kids: How To Teach and Get Respect. In this article, Doherty explains how this generation of parents may be the most “child-sensitive”. He says, “This generation has determined not to repeat the mistakes of its own parents, who expected unquestioning obedience. But in rejecting outmoded models of authority, parents are now skittish about exercising any authority at all.” This kind of child-sensitivity can lead to children who do not show respect for their parents, and the children ultimately feel insecure, not having defined authority roles in their lives.

     So how does a parent balance the harmful “unquestioning obedience” and the respect they truly need as a head of the household? Depending on the age of the child, Doherty gives a few examples.

     For teaching a teen respect, Doherty advises the parent to respond firmly and concisely to the teenager’s disrespectful remark. In one given example, Doherty explains that one day his teenage son wanted to use the phone while he was on it. Upon hanging up the phone, the teenager asks, “Who was that?” in an irritated tone.



     Instead of responding with “I was on the phone with ___. I didn’t know you wanted to use the phone.” or “You wanted to use the phone? You should have let me know. How am I supposed to know?” or “Who do you want to call anyway. You spend too much time on the phone. Go do your homework.” Doherty wisely responds saying, “You don’t get to ask me that question, and particularly in that tone of voice.”
Let’s now analyze why the first 3 answers would not work to gain respect, and why the last one would. Number 1: “I was on the phone with ___. I didn’t know you wanted to use the phone.” This fails because it answers the child’s rude question, making him think it is okay to question his parent’s activities. Number 2: “You wanted to use the phone? You should have let me know. How am I supposed to know?” This fails because it gives the child permission to interrupt and demand something from the parent. This may be an appropriate response to a spouse who needed the phone, but not to a child. Number 3: “Who do you want to call anyway. You spend too much time on the phone. Go do your homework.” This fails because it ignores the main issue (the rude tone and question) and focuses on another problem (too much phone use and homework). Finally, the reason Doherty’s actual answer (“You don’t get to ask me that question, and particularly in that tone of voice.”) works is because it addresses the disrespectful tone directly in a calm, assertive way. It does not leave any room for a response, and when said calmly and quickly, the subject can be dropped, and no resentment will be held between parent and child.

     But what about younger children? How do you teach them to be respectful without getting into nonsensical arguments? Young children often are disrespectful in the way they demand things. When they are very small and cannot speak, everything was given to them automatically, so it can be hard for an older toddler to learn how to respect their parents and treat them as more than a servant.



     For a parent to teach their child respect at this age, the parent must set standards for the household and be consistent in enforcing them. Doherty gives this example of what one set of parents did with their demanding 4-year-old: “They firmly challenged him every time he asked for something rudely and waited for him to politely restate his request before giving him the item. If he refused to ask politely, they withheld the food item and went about finishing the meal.” Eventually, the child realized that the only way he was going to get what he wanted was to be respectful and polite.

     However, parents are never going to respond perfectly to their children every time they display bad behavior. And even if they do, the child may still display bad behavior on occasion. Family life is ever changing, especially as children grow and move from phase to phase. The key in all of this is keeping calm and staying consistent.

References

Doherty, William J., Ph.D (2013). Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get                        Respect. https://www2.cortland.edu/dotAsset/1b1764f4-968a-4f29-b506-                            01257a542b39.pdf