Emotional Coaching

            Some parents may say “What is emotional coaching?” Children have so many big, new emotions as they grow. And to put it simply, because of this, is important for the parent to go through these emotions with the child, helping them to understand what they are feeling, and the appropriate way to express those emotions.

            Dr. John Gottman states here how parents can view their child’s emotions: “I call the parents who get involved with their children’s feelings ‘Emotion Coaches.’ Much like athletic coaches, they teach their children strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs. They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.” We have all experienced those up and downs ourselves, and we find comfort from those who can empathize with us. Children also thrive on adults helping them through their emotions, most of which they might not even know why they are having.

            In this short video, it gives a brief look into why emotional coaching would matter in raising a child.

            Right at the beginning, Gottman says that his daughter told him how to parent her by just listening to her. When we are expressing interest in the child’s life, and displaying empathy with what they are feeling, they learn how to do the same. The child will be able to connect with others on an emotional level more easily, understanding their emotions, because their parents displayed the same thing to them.

            Gottman, in his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (1998), states that “When your family shares a deeper intimacy and respect, problems between family members will seem lighter to bear.” This ties in to that empathy that children need to learn. Families will all inevitably face challenges; they are all so complex and unique, it is bound to happen. But if the parents­­—as the primary role models of the children—can express understanding, empathy, and respect with the emotions of the children, in those hard moments, those children will be much more likely to show that same understanding, empathy, and respect.

The children are only more likely to do this because they know and trust that their emotions are safe within the family. They have built the relationships, and will feel safe expressing themselves, and being vulnerable, because they can trust their family. Gottman adds, “When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.” I don’t know any parent who does not want their children to come to them with their struggles. It is much more likely that the child will share what they are going through if they have those “bridges of loyalty and affection” established with their parents.

            Strong relationships with their family can also act as building blocks for relationships children establish in the future. Being vulnerable, open, and honest are all necessities in a healthy relationship, so by instilling these characteristics in children early, the parents are setting those children up for successful future relationships.

            To give an example of emotional coaching, let’s say a 4-year-old was playing with blocks and someone came and knocked down their block tower. They would understandably feel angry. A parent might help the child through the emotion by first of all telling them that they understand why they would feel angry, and then helping them with appropriate ways to respond to that emotion. A parent might say, “It feels really bad when something we have worked so hard on gets torn down. I’ve felt that way before. Is that why you are crying and yelling? The good news is, even though you are angry and upset now, we can still try again and build a new tower. Let’s go calmly tell Suzy how you are feeling, and I’m sure she will help you build it back up again.” Responses that come from the heart will have a positive, lasting effect on the child.

            Now think of what might have happened if the parent replied with, “Get over it. If you can’t take getting it knocked over you don’t get to play with them at all.” Anger towards the parent and the other child would only increase and trust would be severed.

            Though it take patience and consistent effort, being an emotional coach to a child is never wasted effort or time.

References

Gottman, John Ph.D (1998). Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child.